Big Mistake

Yesterday was a blustery day in Chicago that found me taking a four hour snugly  nap in bed with Daisy and watching awful movies like "The Day After Tomorrow" (I cried when Jake Gyllenhaal's character couldn't convince the others to stay at the library instead of walking out into their impending doom) and "She's Too Young" (a Lifetime movie about a high school syphilis outbreak - thanks for the heads up on that one, Karl!).  While flipping through channels trying to find my next cinematic treat, I made the big, no HUGE, mistake of stopping on the Discovery Channel and witnessing the horror of a woman giving birth.

If I had not seen the title of the show, I would have thought this woman was going through an exorcism, and not welcoming a baby into the world.  The only sound I can even compare her screaming to is the absolute terror shrieks coming from hogs when they are forced into chutes to have their ears notched and nose rings inserted.  I know the amount of people reading this that have actually experienced that sound is extremely small, so the rest of you will just have to take my word on this.  IT IS AWFUL.  So, of course, like any good train wreck, I could not take my eyes off of this "birth".  I was absolutely frozen in bed unable to change the channel.  (By the way, what woman in her right mind allows a camera crew to document this - I mean this was graphic, and she did not have a hair and makeup team there touching her up)

Luckily for me, the show was almost over, so I only was subjected to about 15 minutes of blood spurting and animalistic screaming.  Shortly after the show was over and I blinked for the first time, B came into the bedroom to check on me.  I told him I had two important things to tell him.  First, Jake Gyllenhaal and his friends survived, and his dad even made it to New York to save them - again!  Second, I've decided not to have this baby, and do you think it is possible to push our belly buttons together and let the baby live in you for a little while?

B realized that I was definitely a little cuckoo at this point, and I admitted that I had done the unthinkable and watched a live birth.  Oh, the blood and the screaming and the scissors the doctor used to make a little snip and the baby's huge head...I mean HUGE head!  He's trying to reassure me that he didn't have a huge head, but I KNOW he was a fat baby - he's just trying to keep me from running to Jewel/Osco for an entire gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and 12 pack of Krispy Kremes at this point.  (I eat my feelings, ok!)

Somehow, he managed to talk me down off the ledge and assure me that no matter how much blood and screaming and snipping there is, he will still love me after I push cantaloupe out of my body.  I thanked him and then searched as far ahead as I could on the Discovery Channel's guide to make sure that show was not playing again anytime soon because I know it would just draw me back to it like a moth to the flame!

xoxo
AK

p.s.  Baby, you are one whole pound this week - hopefully that scary spine of yours is getting some nice padding!  Supposedly you can taste what I'm eating through the amniotic fluid, so I've been trying to introduce you to a wide array of worldly cuisine.  You've had Greek, Chinese, Italian, and Mexican so far.  Such a good excuse to go out to eat - I mean, of course I'm totally doing this for your benefit so you're not a picky eater, I'm getting absolutely no enjoyment out of it :-)